(Dedicated to the late John Belushi)
They start shooting the movie in a week.
I am already living in my trailer
On the movie set.
I haven’t learned my lines yet.
I’ve even forgotten how to act.
I need a hit to fire me up.
I’ve been using cocaine for years.
It has always worked for me.
I can’t get my hands on any.
My dealer isn’t answering his phone.
I’m going crazy. I need it.
So I hit the streets late one night.
I went to a bar known for its drug dealers.
I soon found one and hand him $2,000
He returns soon after with what I need.
I return to my trailer & take a lot.
I wanted something more.
I was told that heroin is better.
I hid the heroin in my trailer.
There’s a tiny voice telling me not to.
I did this as I didn’t want to enter the great unknown on heroin.
Nobody in the industry knew that I was contemplating heroin.
Recently a few have expressed concern about my escalating cocaine abuse.
I know myself it is escalating but I don’t care. I want more.
More cocaine is stimulating my mind beyond the boundaries
And keeps me awake for long shoots or rehearsing lines.
It also makes me able to act.
It rids me of my inhibitions and levels me.
The week passed & with the aid of cocaine. The heroin remained hidden
I learned my lines & got a feel for my role.
Yet people are becoming really concerned about my massive cocaine use
As I go to my trailer between shoots for quite a few lines.
I don’t know why they’re concerned.
My acting is top notch.
They say they’re concerned for my well-being.
My well-being is just fine, thank you very much.
The movie shoot is over. It’s party time.
I go on one of my binges. Heroin time.
I’m in someones apartment with a supplier.
They offer me some of their cocaine and heroin.
A ‘speedball.’
I can’t stand the sight of the needle
So I look away and have to get them to inject me.
We go to a nightclub and go to the toilet
Every hour for 5 hours.
We go back to my dealers place.
I vomit on the way home & on returning to the dealers place.
I have to be put to bed.
I am found the next day by my assistant.
He tries but can’t revive me.
He calls the paramedics. They to try to revive me.
They do so with nil success.
I am dead.
My manager arranges for me to be taken to the hospital
Before the media catch wind of the situation.
It was not an overdose. It was toxic overload.
My dealer was soon charged with involuntary manslaughter.
I am laying on a mortuary table now.
I feel the needle as they take blood samples. How ironic.
Results reveal I had large amounts cocaine and heroin in my system.
Even in death I can’t escape the needle, albeit short-lived
Had I not been died then I would have died young anyway.
I was a runaway train. Unstoppable. I was in total denial.
No person & no event could have stopped me. They tried.
Cocaine & then heroin in combination became my life….and death.
No more random, spontaneous hilarity.
Thirty three years old
And the party’s over.
I think that I had a lot more to offer to the world.
